Publius & Co.

Good night, Edloe.

Lots of folks are posting condolences on the passing of Laurence's cat, Edloe. Having lost several pets this year, he has my warmest and sincerest condolences.

Laurence may not know it, but he gave the gf and I a fullofcrapalanche at the Ratablog earlier this month, when the Ratablog came through on Metafilter and he decided to post about it. See what a fullofcrapalanche looks like?

The first post of Laurence's that I really remember was, in fact, an Edloe story...kinda. Laurence fisked something he found on petsmart.com that claimed to be tips on how to help your cat lose weight. Thinking it was hilarious, I cut and pasted it to a discussion list some friends and I have set up for ourselves, since some of our members share a house with that breed of feline known as fatticus catticus. It seems a fitting tribute to Edloe, and since the original Amish Tech Support is history, I hope Laurence won't mind my re-posting it here.

Fat Edloe

Yes, Edloe's a fat kitty. No matter what we do, she ends up bigger
and bigger.

So, I checked Kitty Calisthenics on the Petsmart.com web site to see
what advice they offered.

Is your tabby getting thick in the midsection?
She's so fat, the National Weather Service issues a list of names for
her farts in alphabetical order every year.

Are chewing and swallowing her only exercises?
Crapping isn't exercise?

If so, you may be wondering how to liven up her day, help her burn
calories and improve her overall health.
Yes, I'm stumped.

A cat's sedentary lifestyle can often result in obesity, a condition
which can lead to hip, back, shoulder or knee injuries, cancer,
diabetes, heart disease, and heat stroke.
Of course, when they get so fat they can't reach their own ass, they
start to stink.

Clearly, being overweight can be as detrimental to your cat as it is
to you.
No shit.

Apart from limiting your cat's food intake, what else can you do to
combat this problem?
Lost my sense of smell years ago.

The answer is a simple one: kick your cat's activity level up a notch
by having her exercise on a daily basis.
Excuse me, but to what planet may I direct your call, Outer Space Man?

Exercise?
Perish the thought.

A cat?
Futility.

Sure. But not in the same way you might a dog.
Strange... the recipes translate evenly from cat to dog, so why
shouldn't the exercises?

Your cat is a more independent creature, and must be motivated in
different ways if she is to raise her level of activity.
Pain? Fear?

Food is an effective motivator for teaching new behavior to a cat.
Um... food is the problem. Too much in. Not enough out. Huge surplus
in cat.

Small treats can be used to get her moving.
I keep handing her treats and all she does is get bigger. How is this
supposed to work?

To raise your cat's food drive, put her on a regular feeding schedule
instead of free feeding (or leaving food down all day).
So instead of grazing, she winds up eating ALL four cat bowls when
placed down at once. Excellent idea.

Doing so will program your cat to be hungry at specific times, a key
in teaching her any new behavior.
Programming my cat? Do you think I have an AIBO or something?

So you've put your cat on a regular feeding schedule, and she's
famished at dinner time.
She's famished 25 hours a day, pal.

What next?
Reinforcing the floors and building ramps.

Put her hunger to work.
"Do my laundry, Edloe!"

The following are ways to get your cat moving prior to dinner time:
Divine intervention, strong wind, moving the wheeled cart under her
around...

Stair Climbing
We live on the first floor and she's an indoor tub of lard.

Get your cat to climb a flight or more of stairs several times each
week by sporadically relocating her food dish.
In her eleven years, she has never seen a staircase. She has
absolutely no idea what it does but sit there and look all stairsy.

Place her meal at the top or bottom of a flight of stairs, depending
on your home's layout.
I could put it on top of the counter and leave a chair or a table out
for her to "stair-step" up to it, but she'd just fall asleep up there
and wake up demanding more food.

To get to it, she must climb or descend.
Or claw the leg of a human who put the food up there.

If she has trouble locating her dish, try moving it up just a few
steps at first, eventually placing it as far away as possible.
Reaction: doofy, confused, angry look at why human is not placing
dish in front of her. Shriek repeats ordering human to place dish in
front of her.

Random Placement of Treats
I am not putting treats in my cat anywhere other than her mouth.

Leave small treats in various locations around the home, to condition
her to explore more.
Why not just release lizards and mice in the house to get her to
chase them?

Put one atop the fridge, one beneath the sofa, and another beside
your television.
Atop the fridge? Do you think my cat can fly or something? This is a
20+ pound whale. Not even Piper the tiny kitty cat get up on top of
that thing.

Eventually, searching will become a regular calorie-burning activity
for her.
Nardo's the hunter, not Edloe.

The Recall, or 'Come'
Huh?

Have you ever owned a cat who would rush to the kitchen upon hearing
the whir of an electric can opener?
Yes. We call him Frisky. He demands butter pats and Parmesan cheese,
too.

Without knowing it, your cat had learned to come on cue.
He's also learned how to knock us into a hot stove when he figure-8's
around our legs.

To teach your cat to Come, try this: Buy a child's "clicker" toy.
From your store, I suppose?

Next, with her close by, place her dinner down immediately after
clicking the toy several times.
Expression on furry face: "Stop that noise, I'm trying to eat."

Do this at each meal for two weeks. Then, with the cat in another
room, try clicking the toy several times.
Cat continues to sleep on back, paws up in air.

The cat, now conditioned to think food is coming, should come running.
Cat is conditioned to sleep on bed, on back, paws in air, ignoring
clicks.

When she does, reward her with a treat.
More food. Great.

Having her come on command will get her running whenever you want, in
hopes of getting food.
Edloe doesn't run. She waddles quickly.

This of course burns calories.
My calories, fuming mad at all this clicking.

These next activities use motivators besides food to get your cat
moving:
Loud noises and blowing in their face until they stalk off?

Playing With Toys
She hates toys. Sits on them to keep others from playing with them.

Cats love to chase moving objects.
No, cat loves to WATCH moving objects move.

You can get your cat moving by enticing her with various toys,
including: Teaser wands
Mouse toys
Balled-up newspaper
Wind-up toys
Toys suspended from a string
Balls
Feathers
The object is to keep your cat moving for at least 10 minutes. Have
these sessions several times each day, for best results.
The feather is the only one that gets her motivated, and that's to
get it out of her face or cover up her paws to keep them from getting
tickled.

Companionship
Yes, what a great companion. Acts as an emergency pillow. Extremely
firm and furry.

A great way to keep a cat active during the day is to provide her
with company.
Right. I work at home, and the furry blob is asleep all day. Want
pictures?

A willing partner will encourage play, and stimulate her mind.
And get slashed for waking the pudgebucket.

Accordingly, it's a great idea to adopt two kittens instead of one.
Golly, I guess that means four cats is an absolute riot, right?

They will romp and chase each other, keeping activity levels high.
Vomiting everywhere, bringing home half-dead lizards, knocking things
over, attacking each other at random. Great fun!

Walk Your Cat
Oh, this is going to be amusing.

Your cat can learn to walk on a leash and harness, if you start her
out early. It's a good way to get her outside without subjecting her
to the dangers of cars, cat fights, or infectious diseases,
contracted through physical contact with other cats.
I'm sorry... what is it about "Edloe is an old fat grouch" don't you
understand?

Teaching an adult cat to walk can be difficult, however, so don't try
this with a cat over 4 or 5 months of age unless she is extremely
outgoing and confident.
Well, I'll just fire up a time machine to 1992 and start there.

Purchase a cat harness. Make sure to get the right size harness for
your cat's weight.
Got anything in Baby Elephant?

Place the harness on the cat, while rewarding her with small treats.
I'd rather take the cat's temperature with my finger for how much
blood I'm going to lose putting a harness on this mean-assed blob.

Slowly increase the time the harness is on until she can wear it
without worry or discomfort.
So what you're saying is that when the cat's dead,it won't mind the
harness. Right.

Then, clip a light leash to the harness.
So I can drag the dead fat cat around?

Let your cat walk around for a few minutes, dragging the leash.
Unless I roll the cat downhill or a dog is dragging it off to ear,
this dead cat's not moving much.

Then, pick up the end of it and follow her around the home.
Oh boy... the cat is walking me. What fun.

Let her guide you, and periodically reward her with a treat.
Have some tequila, Edloe. Sure hits the spot.

Next, take the cat out to a quiet yard, and let her explore while on
leash.
There are no quiet yards in Houston thanks to all the fucking
helicopters.

Do so for a few minutes, then go back inside.
Dragging the cat back inside... the leash helps, I suppose.

Each day, increase the duration of the walk, to a maximum of 10
minutes.
After 2 minutes, Edloe falls asleep. She's like one of those
rechargeable phones that gets battery memory and conks out all the
time.

Never take the pet into a busy environment such as a city street.
Well, she does violate emissions standards.

The goal is to simply get her outside in a safe, controlled fashion.
That's what the carrier and the forklift are for.

This exercise is not for all cats.
Well, no shit.

If your cat is young, outgoing, and well adjusted, however, a daily
walk around the yard will be an enriching, calorie-burning experience.
Edloe is old, grouchy, and maladjusted. Attempting to get her
interested in a daily walk is probably as intelligent as stuffing
treats and catnip down my underwear and sticking myself with a needle
covered with a paralytic agent.

Good night, sweet Edloe, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

100 years ago today...

Moonlight Graham didn't get an at-bat.

(You know, in the movie, he still didn't get an at-bat. His sacrifice fly gave him an RBI...but still no official at-bat.)

Everybody's doin' it.

In two minutes, Cameron will get free.

Harley

Click for bigger

Primary Guinea Pig Harley doesn't look too happy, does he? He looks even more unhappy these days--he's constipated.

To be more exact, he's got an anal impaction and you wouldn't be happy, either. You figure I wouldn't, but it beats the hell out of the alternative. See, he's been losing weight and drinking a lot of water--I figured he was diabetic and I had images of me sticking myself while giving him insulin shots.

Oh, you would've put him to sleep? I wouldn't have, you see. He's my friend and I've had him longer than I've had rats. I admit the rats are more fun to play with, but Harley has his good points: He stays in his cage. He doesn't nibble on me. I like the sounds he makes. He's dumb as a post but cute as a button.

Anal impactions are not uncommon in boars (males). There are no reports of sows (females) ever having this problem. I'd heard about it on my guinea pig lists, but of course, never thought it would happen to Harley...or to me. Now I've got to worry about Teddy the Emergency Back-Up Guinea Pig maybe developing this in the future.

So no shots for Harley and no being PTS for now. OTOH, I've got to clean out his anal sac (yep, piggies have a little sac where they store poop before pooping) and give him an enema.

By now, you're probably tossing your cookies, but I say it's only once a day for now and soon it'll be every other day. And it's a lot better than changing several diapers every day.

*shudder* Changing diapers...now that's gross!

I'd like to clarify one thing: Though I wouldn't have put Harley to sleep if he had been diagnosed with diabetes, I wouldn't let him suffer needlessly, either. If my vet said it would be the best for him if he were to be PTS, I would do it.

Paging Al Jaffee

For my gf...and Ted, kinda...

Click for bigger...from issue 98, October 1965

I'm just doing this to be polite.

Mama Karen and Gir both smacked me with this meme awhile ago--before I declared this blog a no-meme zone--so it's only polite to take care of it, I guess. Plus Mama Karen is mama to the gf's niece and nephews, and Gir is...ummm...a Canadian, so I don't want to disappoint them.

The deal is this: choose at least five of the following sentences starters, and finish them. Add items to the end if you wish to...but I won't wish to.
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge...
If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict... (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star... (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime... (by Garrison)
If I could be a cartoonist... (by Wenchy)
If I could be the pope... (by Karmajenn)
If I could be a filmmaker... (by Kalisah)
If I could be a spy...(by MamaKaren)
If I could be a kid again...(by MamaKaren)

1. If I could be a servicemember I'd be a Marine, which would probably tork off my father (20 years USN, Retired) but make my Tio (who fought at Frozen Chosin) incredibly proud.

2. If I could be a farmer I'd let all the rats in the neighborhood eat all my crops. Hey, I'd be gettin' subsidies to not grow anything anyway.

3. If I could be a filmmaker I'd remake Plan 9 From Outer Space with my friend Tracy in Vampira's role because I think she'd really enjoy it. I wouldn't remake any Joe Don Baker movies because, quite frankly, I wouldn't be able to do any of them justice.

4. If I could be a llama-rider I'd probably want to get off. I mean, those are some smelly fucking animals.

5. If I could be a backup dancer I'd totally suck.

Damn straight.

Lunchtime reading and I found this via Willow Tree:

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

Ahhh, baseball.

Anyone watch the Nats game last night? I didn't but I heard about it and maybe you did, too: Nats manager Frank Robinson catches relief pitcher Brendan Donnelly of the Angels cheating, calls him on it, Angels manager Mike Scioscia yells at Robinson, Robinson yells back, benches clear, Angels bring in Scot Shields in relief...and Shields proceeds to give up four runs, which not only lost the game for the Angels, it also did a number on his ERA and I lost two points on my fantasy team because Shields happens to be on said fantasy team.

I couldn't be happier. Wanna know what's really fun about the game? Reading an Angels fan cry like a baby because Frank Robinson caught one of his pitchers cheating.

Michael Jackson has been found innocent

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.

"The Internet's down again!"

Notice the title of this post is in quotes? That's because I've heard it on the phone, working as a Help Desk peon. It may sound annoying, but it's not as annoying as the person who just screams, whines, whispers, or whimpers, "Help!"

Anyhoo, our internet connection is down right now and it may not be up until Thursday, as that's the earliest Comcast can have a tech out here. We've been having connectivity issues for awhile now but I'd just been letting it go because it always came back up. Late yesterday AM it went down, stayed down, and a call to Comcast wasn't fruitful, as their computers went down, too. I went to the local Comcast office and swapped out our modem (about the only advantage I can think of to leasing a modem--it goes bad, or you think it's gone bad, and you can get a new one cheap and easy) which, sadly, didn't work.

Called Comcast again early this PM (after stringing the phone cable across the dining room and connecting the notebook directly to the modem) and worked with a tech who knew his stuff. Although he could get my MAC and IP and everything looked good, he noticed massive resets from the modem while I noticed no cable activity. The gf took a walk and noticed the cover was off of the junction box when somebody decided to steal some cable TV or something--so it's a tech call. Bummer.

Thank God some of my neighbors don't know how to secure their wireless connections.

It takes so little to make Ted happy.

Ted is the number one Google hit for stripper music.

OTOH, Gir is still number one for moosey vagina.

I'm no longer number one when I search on my name. Bummer.

New Counter

The new counter has been installed--click for a bigger version. It needs to be wiped down, but I think I'll wait until the plumber (who is coming this PM) finishes up his part, and maybe the gf will stop stressing over everything.

First in War, First in Peace,

FIRST IN THE NL EAST, BABY!

(No, it probably won't last forever...but if they continue their solid fundamental play, I think we'll see them in the playoffs.)

Friday Rat Blogging

Ohana and Kanga would like to come out to play.

Oh, allright. One more.

I originally wrote this at lunch, but I forgot to post it. Dang.

Jeremy hit me with another meme. I'm answering it just because I think he'll be disappointed. Heh.

Total volume of music files on my computer: Zero. I'm serious. Except for any music Windows may have installed, I've no MP3's or nothing on my computer.

The last CD I bought was: A collection of Bach organ compositions, for Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. You know, that piece the mad scientist always plays while sitting at his organ.

Song playing right now: Jean-Joseph Cassanea de Mondonville, Sonata #1: III on the local classics station. Thank God they have their playlist on their website, because I wouldn't recognize it if they played it twice in a row.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Actually, a blog post based just on this has been bouncing around my head for months now. Guess this might be just what I needed to write it.
"Heros" by David Bowie
"Into the Groove" by Madonna
"Mrs. Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel
"Me and You and a Dog named Boo" by Lobo
"Love Reign O'er Me" by The Who

Five people to whom I'm passing the musical baton: I know I said I wouldn't do this, but I'm hoping I can get the gf to stop whining about the damn kitchen.